New
Rules For 2006
by George Carlin
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad
for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to
contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys
who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you
still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as
flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing
with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa
figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
"Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me
up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was
just
too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega
M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your
toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in
the first place